If Today You Hear His Voice, Harden Not Your Hearts

Today we went to church. I haven't been to a non-holiday church service since college. We'll be attending a local Catholic church, because my husband identifies as Catholic. While we were both raised to go to church, his experience was much more about faith than mine, which was more about what my parents wanted. This is not to say he wanted to get up and go as a child, but the God part was more of a factor than for me.  Since I'm not dedicated to a denomination, and he can't imagine being anything but Catholic, this is our choice.  So today we loaded up the kids and went to church.

There are a lot of parts to the Catholic Mass that I just don't understand. I find ritual very comforting and love the responsive readings and the formality of the sit, stand, kneel. I love the robes and the kissing and the part where the Priest does some things that are for God and not for the congregation. I don't know what half of it means. I don't know what comes next. I don't know which words I should capitalize! I'm learning. One of the things I learned today is that every Catholic church has the same readings as each other every week. The Priest creates his own sermon based on one of them, but everyone hears the same words and songs. I love that.  I love that if I had a friend in Alabama or California who was also Catholic that we could compare notes.

In a no-longer-surprising turn of events, today's Responsorial Psalm (another new term!) was the following from Psalms 95: 1-11:

R. (8) If today you hear his voice, harden not your hearts.
Come, let us sing joyfully to the LORD;
let us acclaim the rock of our salvation.
Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving;
let us joyfully sing psalms to him.
R. If today you hear his voice, harden not your hearts.
Come, let us bow down in worship;
let us kneel before the LORD who made us.
For he is our God,
and we are the people he shepherds, the flock he guides.
R. If today you hear his voice, harden not your hearts.
Oh, that today you would hear his voice:
"Harden not your hearts as at Meribah,
as in the day of Massah in the desert,
Where your fathers tempted me;
they tested me though they had seen my works."
R. If today you hear his voice, harden not your hearts.

This happens very near the beginning of the service, with the bold lines being the respsonse. Really? My first day back at church in 13 years (not counting baptisms and holidays) and it hits my exact situation? Does that really happen? As this week has progressed I've been feeling uncertain. I'm still planning to follow through, but it really started to feel like I made the whole thing up. I was starting to think that we were going to church for everyone else's sake, and for the community. I didn't know that I was going to be able to get anything out of this. So WHAM, first thing, harden not your heart. Also, there was a cello.  This was the best intro I could have had to the rest of the service. After we left my husband and I both commented on how appropriate this was, for our new beginning.

The rest of the service was a bit harder to pay attention to, as my children have been to church even less than myself.  We knew going in that we'd likely leave early (at Communion, for those of you following along at home, since none of us could take it anyway We were very happy that the kids were able to (mostly) sit and bear it that long.) but I don't mind, it's a start. When I first met my husband, I bought a couple books about Catholicism ( What Catholics Really Believe--Setting the Record Straight: 52 Answers to Common Misconceptions about the Catholic Faith and Catholicism For Dummies ). I think I should dig them out and add them to my Recommended Reading List.

When in Doubt, Read.

As with anything else in my life, one way I'll be exploring faith is through reading. I've read quite a few faith based memoirs already, but would like to add more  potential titles to my list. I'm going to collect them all in one place, in case anyone else is looking for a Suggested Reading List for those seeking God. In no particular order:

• Because Nothing Looks Like God by Lawrence Kushner. This one is a children's book.
• Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality by Donald Miller. Highly recommended by G.
• When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold S. Kushner. Recommended by <b>
• The Case for Christ: A Journalist's Personal Investigation of the Evidence for Jesus by Lee Strobel. Recommended by G.
• Catholicism For Dummies I already own this one.
• What Catholics Really Believe--Setting the Record Straight: 52 Answers to Common Misconceptions about the Catholic Faithby Karl Keating. I also own this one.
• Mere Christianityby C.S. Lewis. Recommended years ago by 3M. I own a copy of this as well.
• The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. Recommended by Dwija and Cari.
• The Fulfillment of All Desire by Ralph Martin. Recommended by Cari."excellent, excellent, excellent. It was actually assigned to me as a penance once, and it was the best penance I ever got."
• Everyone's Way of the Cross by Clarence Enzler. Recommended by Cari."Every time I read this, I am crushed. I marvel at how a 2000 year religion can still be relevant not only to life today in the abstract, but to MY life in particular."
• An Altar in the World: A Geography of Faith by Barbara Brown Taylor. Recommended in this blog post. (The cover alone makes me want to read it, seriously, click through. So pretty.)
• The Heart of Christianity: Rediscovering a Life of Faith by Marcus Borg. Same blog as above.
• Surprised by Joy: The Shape of My Early Lifeby CS Lewis. Recommended by jen.
• The Complete Idiot's Guide to Prayer. Also recommended by jen.
• Rome Sweet Home: Our Journey to Catholicismby Scott Hahn. Recommended by Stitchwort and Ashley
• The Fulfillment of All Desire: A Guidebook for the Journey to God Based on the Wisdom of the Saints by Ralph Martin. Recommended by Stitchwort.

The following books are books I happen to own. They have not been recommended to me as part of this experience, but they are about religion of some sort and are already on my bookshelves. In random order as I found them.

• Rumspringa: To Be or Not to Be Amish by Tom Shachtman
• A History of God: The 4,000-Year Quest of Judaism, Christianity and Islam by Karen Armstrong
• The Battle for God by Karen Armstrong
• Through the Narrow Gate, Revised: A Memoir of Spiritual Discovery by Karen Armstrong
• Breathe: Creating Space For God in a Hectic Life by Keri Wyatt Kent
• Yearnings: Embracing the Sacred Messiness of Life by Irwin Kula
• The Cloister Walk by Kathleen Norris
• The End of Faith: Religion, Terror, and the Future of Reason by Sam Harris
• Dating Jesus: A Story of Fundamentalism, Feminism, and the American Girl by Susan Campbell
• Dharma Punx by Noah Levine

On the third day

I woke up this morning feeling much less emotionally invested in the idea that God was leading me to peace. Like a fire that burns brightest at the beginning, I'm left with a quieter need than I initially had.  I was prepared for this to happen, but have already made the committment to continue. I suspect that for a while it will be much like researching any other topic- like learning to sew or brushing up on my World History - but I am still hopeful that it will resolve to be a spiritual path.  Part of me is still very resistant to being part of an organized religion (we'll go the Catholic route in practice, not completely in doctrine, more on this later.) I am like a person with a split personality, half of me seeking a God and the other half watching as a spectator. I've never felt scornful of anyone who found value in the Church, but it's really completely alien to me that it could help you in more than the social ways.  Even that, of course, would be a blessing.

Meanwhile, another friend posted her daily devotion from yesterday, so that I could read it, and once again I find it completely fitting to my situation. The devotion is from Jeremiah 29:11* and reads as follows

"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

You'll notice it's not something like helping the poor or honoring your mother or even revering the Lord. It's about the Lord's plans for me and the future, the one thing guaranteed to keep me going on this quest.  Today I will be calling our local parish and asking if there is a welcome wagon (if you will.) I'm also going to start my reading with the book Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality, which I've had in my possession for years. A very good friend, who happens to be one the Ideal Christian**, told me it was one of her favorites.

*At some point I may chose an edition of the Bible from which to consistently quote. At this point it's enough that it's speaking to me at all.

** Very faithful, always willing to talk about her faith, but only when invited to do so. Accepting and loving of everyone, and never, ever pushy or smug.

The Spirit Calls

Yesterday was a very stressful day. This blog is not about those details, but I was feeling pretty low. I don't believe that I am depressed, it's purely situational, but at the same time the day was very tense and unbearable.

At some point in the afternoon I was struck by the unbearable feeling that I should find our Bible and see what the Bible says about our particular situation, as well as what it says about finding some calm. I was overwhelmed with my life and needed something to soothe me, but this was completely not what I expected. I haven't read a Bible in 18 years. I only recently bought a Bible for my son, who enjoys VeggieTales on tv. I bought both an adult Bible and a child's story Bible at the thrift store about two weeks ago. So this thought came to me out of the blue and I ignored it. It seems somewhat silly to me that a book that old would address our life, especially if one doesn't particularly believe in said book.

I continued to read various blogs, as I am wont to do, and about the third post I read was this one.  It's about Saint Francis de Sales who was the patron saint of writers, journalists, and educators. I've been blogging for about 5 years and I like to think he'd be the saint of bloggers as well, because what I read really struck me. The first quote from his writing addresses anxiety and that being anxious only makes it worse as you become more frantic.  That really spoke to me, especially regarding this ongoing stress over which I had no immediate control. He goes on to say that one should be at peace with the knowledge that God will either shield you from suffering or give you strength to bear it. Both of these things made me stop and take note.

I found myself looking him up and ordering his book through Interlibrary Loan. I read more and became more strongly convinced that I was on to something.  I went on to speak with a friend who told me that was The Spirit's work, and another who shared with me the story of Elijah, who heard God's voice in the calm after the storm.  The out of the blue another friend, while replying to the other situation, refered to me as a child of God, just as I was noticing all these things.

This morning I picked up the Bible to read Elijah's story. The version in my adult Bible didn't do much for me, and I thought maybe this moment of craziness was over. I went on to read it in the Children's Bible where it was much more inspiring, but the real kicker was that at the end is a Memory Verse. The one for this chapter was Matthew 11:28, which reads "Come to me, all you are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." 

Well then.

I don't see how I can ignore this. I don't want to be religious. I wasn't missing it in my life. But when I stop and think about what I do believe about religion and faith, I realize that  if it is all real, that this is exactly how God would go about getting someone's attention. Perhaps all those signs would have been there on another day and I just didn't notice. Perhaps they all showed up at once for a reason. It's possible that in a week I'll look back and find it all silly.  In the meantime, I have the unshakable belief that I have to follow through. Because what if this is just what I need to find peace and calm? Perhaps with that calm would come a deeper spiritual experience? How could I know if I didn't try it?

What this blog is about

Recently, after a series of particularly stressful and harsh events, I had a day that was full of tiny moments that all seemed designed to push me towards God. As I've never been a regular churchgoer (beyond the social aspects) and certainly not a believer, this came as a bit of a shock. I have never felt that I was missing anything, but it was too strong of a feeling to ignore. It seems that if God does exist, that this would be his MO.  It is possible that in a month or week or day that the compulsion will pass. It is also possible that it will not.

I started this blog to document the process.