Why this blog? Why Me? Why now?

Recently, after a series of particularly stressful events, I had a day that was full of tiny moments that all seemed designed to push me towards God. As I've never been a regular churchgoer and certainly not a believer, this came as a bit of a shock. I have never felt that I was missing anything, but it was too strong of a feeling to ignore. It is possible that in a month or week or day that the compulsion will pass. It is also possible that it will not.

I started this blog to document the process. I am starting from scratch, more or less, so please forgive me if I get some fact about your church or your faith wrong. I'm a work in progress.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

On the third day

I woke up this morning feeling much less emotionally invested in the idea that God was leading me to peace. Like a fire that burns brightest at the beginning, I'm left with a quieter need than I initially had.  I was prepared for this to happen, but have already made the committment to continue. I suspect that for a while it will be much like researching any other topic- like learning to sew or brushing up on my World History - but I am still hopeful that it will resolve to be a spiritual path.  Part of me is still very resistant to being part of an organized religion (we'll go the Catholic route in practice, not completely in doctrine, more on this later.) I am like a person with a split personality, half of me seeking a God and the other half watching as a spectator. I've never felt scornful of anyone who found value in the Church, but it's really completely alien to me that it could help you in more than the social ways.  Even that, of course, would be a blessing.

Meanwhile, another friend posted her daily devotion from yesterday, so that I could read it, and once again I find it completely fitting to my situation. The devotion is from Jeremiah 29:11* and reads as follows

"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

You'll notice it's not something like helping the poor or honoring your mother or even revering the Lord. It's about the Lord's plans for me and the future, the one thing guaranteed to keep me going on this quest.  Today I will be calling our local parish and asking if there is a welcome wagon (if you will.) I'm also going to start my reading with the book Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality, which I've had in my possession for years. A very good friend, who happens to be one the Ideal Christian**, told me it was one of her favorites.

*At some point I may chose an edition of the Bible from which to consistently quote. At this point it's enough that it's speaking to me at all.

** Very faithful, always willing to talk about her faith, but only when invited to do so. Accepting and loving of everyone, and never, ever pushy or smug.

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