On the third day

I woke up this morning feeling much less emotionally invested in the idea that God was leading me to peace. Like a fire that burns brightest at the beginning, I'm left with a quieter need than I initially had.  I was prepared for this to happen, but have already made the committment to continue. I suspect that for a while it will be much like researching any other topic- like learning to sew or brushing up on my World History - but I am still hopeful that it will resolve to be a spiritual path.  Part of me is still very resistant to being part of an organized religion (we'll go the Catholic route in practice, not completely in doctrine, more on this later.) I am like a person with a split personality, half of me seeking a God and the other half watching as a spectator. I've never felt scornful of anyone who found value in the Church, but it's really completely alien to me that it could help you in more than the social ways.  Even that, of course, would be a blessing.

Meanwhile, another friend posted her daily devotion from yesterday, so that I could read it, and once again I find it completely fitting to my situation. The devotion is from Jeremiah 29:11* and reads as follows

"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

You'll notice it's not something like helping the poor or honoring your mother or even revering the Lord. It's about the Lord's plans for me and the future, the one thing guaranteed to keep me going on this quest.  Today I will be calling our local parish and asking if there is a welcome wagon (if you will.) I'm also going to start my reading with the book Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality, which I've had in my possession for years. A very good friend, who happens to be one the Ideal Christian**, told me it was one of her favorites.

*At some point I may chose an edition of the Bible from which to consistently quote. At this point it's enough that it's speaking to me at all.

** Very faithful, always willing to talk about her faith, but only when invited to do so. Accepting and loving of everyone, and never, ever pushy or smug.

The Spirit Calls

Yesterday was a very stressful day. This blog is not about those details, but I was feeling pretty low. I don't believe that I am depressed, it's purely situational, but at the same time the day was very tense and unbearable.

At some point in the afternoon I was struck by the unbearable feeling that I should find our Bible and see what the Bible says about our particular situation, as well as what it says about finding some calm. I was overwhelmed with my life and needed something to soothe me, but this was completely not what I expected. I haven't read a Bible in 18 years. I only recently bought a Bible for my son, who enjoys VeggieTales on tv. I bought both an adult Bible and a child's story Bible at the thrift store about two weeks ago. So this thought came to me out of the blue and I ignored it. It seems somewhat silly to me that a book that old would address our life, especially if one doesn't particularly believe in said book.

I continued to read various blogs, as I am wont to do, and about the third post I read was this one.  It's about Saint Francis de Sales who was the patron saint of writers, journalists, and educators. I've been blogging for about 5 years and I like to think he'd be the saint of bloggers as well, because what I read really struck me. The first quote from his writing addresses anxiety and that being anxious only makes it worse as you become more frantic.  That really spoke to me, especially regarding this ongoing stress over which I had no immediate control. He goes on to say that one should be at peace with the knowledge that God will either shield you from suffering or give you strength to bear it. Both of these things made me stop and take note.

I found myself looking him up and ordering his book through Interlibrary Loan. I read more and became more strongly convinced that I was on to something.  I went on to speak with a friend who told me that was The Spirit's work, and another who shared with me the story of Elijah, who heard God's voice in the calm after the storm.  The out of the blue another friend, while replying to the other situation, refered to me as a child of God, just as I was noticing all these things.

This morning I picked up the Bible to read Elijah's story. The version in my adult Bible didn't do much for me, and I thought maybe this moment of craziness was over. I went on to read it in the Children's Bible where it was much more inspiring, but the real kicker was that at the end is a Memory Verse. The one for this chapter was Matthew 11:28, which reads "Come to me, all you are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." 

Well then.

I don't see how I can ignore this. I don't want to be religious. I wasn't missing it in my life. But when I stop and think about what I do believe about religion and faith, I realize that  if it is all real, that this is exactly how God would go about getting someone's attention. Perhaps all those signs would have been there on another day and I just didn't notice. Perhaps they all showed up at once for a reason. It's possible that in a week I'll look back and find it all silly.  In the meantime, I have the unshakable belief that I have to follow through. Because what if this is just what I need to find peace and calm? Perhaps with that calm would come a deeper spiritual experience? How could I know if I didn't try it?

What this blog is about

Recently, after a series of particularly stressful and harsh events, I had a day that was full of tiny moments that all seemed designed to push me towards God. As I've never been a regular churchgoer (beyond the social aspects) and certainly not a believer, this came as a bit of a shock. I have never felt that I was missing anything, but it was too strong of a feeling to ignore. It seems that if God does exist, that this would be his MO.  It is possible that in a month or week or day that the compulsion will pass. It is also possible that it will not.

I started this blog to document the process.